Handling The “Ex” Factor at Events

 by Jeanne Benedict

Anticipating how divorced parents or ex-spouses will treat each other when they are both attending the same event can be wrought with anxiety.  Although uncomfortable, it is much more effective to diplomatically confront the situation before the event and prevent a potential “scene” from happening.     

Some ways to consider handling the situation are:

• Prior to the event, confide in both people, separately, about your feelings.  Explain the importance of the occasion and that the best gift they can offer you is civility on this special day that you will remember forever.

• If it is too difficult for you to approach both people, ask a neutral party to speak up on your behalf, such as a relative, member of the clergy, or even an old friend of the two.

• If enough time has passed since the split and both parties seem healed, ask the more “open” person to approach their “ex” and break the ice.  My mother walked up to her ex-husband, my father, at my sister’s rehearsal dinner and said, “You once told me I had the sexiest handshake you’d ever encountered.”  Talk about courage! Everyone’s tension was eased and they sat and talked for hours.

• On the flip side, my friend Amy wanted to assure her betrothed step-daughter that estranged parties would be amicable at her wedding.  Amy, her “ex”, and family members from both sides made a video with everyone singing, “I’ll Be There.”  The video, which also contained sentimental and humorous interview segments, was played at an engagement party.  There was not a dry eye in the house. 

• If there is no chance of a peaceful encounter you can bite the bullet, invite both people and hope all are civil at the event.  Or invite one person to the ceremony or program and the other to the reception or party. Whatever the scenario is, explain your actions in calm and caring manner to avoid further emotional pain.